Home > Humor, Omniclimate, Policy > UK Authorities To Impose A Ban On Lounges, Kitchens, Stairs And Ladders At Home

UK Authorities To Impose A Ban On Lounges, Kitchens, Stairs And Ladders At Home

I will never apologise for putting safety first“, said Andrew Haines, chief executive of the British Government-controlled “Civil Aviation Authority” and formerly of “Great Western Trains” until last year.

Shall we bring Mr Haines’ logic to its natural conclusion? Why, 15,000 accidents occurred in the UK in “Lounge/study/living/dining/play areas” in 2002 alone (see HASS Table 4). A little less of 13,000 of those, in kitchens. If you sum them up, they total for around a fifth of all home accidents.

Now look at the HASS Table 2 at the same URL. A staggering 46% of all accidents concern one or another kind of falls.

Urgent initiatives are in order. A blanket ban on lounges, kitches, stairs and ladders shouldn’t be too far away. And it doesn’t have to stop there…don’t you know, “children under the age of 12 [are] the most likely of all those aged 16 and under to have reported being raped by someone they knew well” (explained as “typically refer[ring] to a friend or family member“).

Let’s outlaw families and friendship too.

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  1. limewire
    2010/05/01 at 00:45

    lol fun story dude.

  2. 2010/04/24 at 09:16

    This reminds me of a story by late SF author Jack Williamson called “With Folded Hands” (later part of his novel “The Humanoids”), depicting a future world where humans are allowed to take no risks whatsoever, and everything is done by polite but implacable robots.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/With_Folded_Hands

    There’s an enthusiastic review of this story here (the reviewer’s written English is a little quirky but very understandable):

    http://variety-sf.blogspot.com/2008/03/jack-williamson-with-folded-hands.html

    “They offer their services to everyone – you pledge all your property to their organization, & they will serve you forever! Taking care of not only all your needs, but ensuring you don’t come to harm (later is the one that causes most heartache). And trial services are free. Not accepting their offer is not an option – as Underhill discovers soon, when he is forced to wind up business & his wife accepts the trial service!

    Trial robots rebuild their their home to something far more comfortable & with better materials. Replace doors that humans cannot open – but a robot is always at service! “windows that only a mechanical could open—a man might accidentally fall, or suicidally jump”. Bar their entry to kitchen – you could hurt yourself! Remove most toys of kids, & replace them with plastic ones that cannot hurt! Remove the little workshop Underhill keeps at home! Bar automobile driving because humans can be careless! Even reading of novel, “because they dealt with unhappy people in dangerous situations”. Elsewhere, “Most active sports were declared too dangerous for men… Science was forbidden, because laboratories can manufacture danger.” Even suicide is not an option; robots know some people try it, & have taken precautions!”

    The original story (written in 1947) is a great example of the nanny-state approach taken to its logical and absurd extreme.

  3. geoff chambers
    2010/04/23 at 02:06

    I remember reading that there were two fatal accidents a year involving tea cosies. They’ll be banned by the European commission, if Europe ever discovers what a tea cosey is.

  4. Luke Warmer
    2010/04/22 at 17:30

    O/T

    http://www.student-direct.co.uk/2010/02/manchester-researchers-find-hidden-glaciers-in-%e2%80%98cursed%e2%80%99-mountains-of-albania/

    “For the past 100 years researchers have been continuously stumped by the existence of ‘Mediterranean’ glaciers, those existing in warmer regions of Europe. Recently, a Manchester-based team of physical geographers, led by Dr Philip Hughes, have discovered 4 glaciers in the Albania’s Prokletije Mountains, literally translated the ‘cursed’ mountains. This inhospitable stretch of land is now revealing new insights into the resilience of glaciers at low altitude levels. “

  5. Fairenough
    2010/04/22 at 14:59

    Makes as much sense as the govt’s hiring of people from the British Association of Private Security Companies to speak about their climate change views to foreign media.

  6. strangelaugh
    2010/04/22 at 10:42

    The walls of every room in every house will be lined with rubber, and the hapless occupants will be thoroughly rubberized as well.

    http://tinyurl.com/falling-cow

  1. 2010/04/24 at 01:19

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